100 Things I Can’t F*%#ing Stand At This Moment

To be fair, I’m generally an irritable person. I think I get it from my short grouch of a father, a stern man who has an aversion to noise, dancing, and too much fun (literally. My childhood was like the gotdamned Sound of Music kids’ before Maria shows up).

Luckily for me, I am also not a patient person, and so if I find myself irritated by you then you will find yourself distanced from me, pretty much permanently. I’ve gotten so good at this that I can go several months at a time without being irritated at all.

This is, until I sit down to a blog post or story and find myself uninspired. When that happens fuck irritated, I become irrationally pissed. At everything, EVERYTHING.

Y U NO INSPIRE ME, EVERYTHING?

And so, in honor of my botheredness I’ve decided to share with you my top 100 writing annoyances because you are my friends.

And you would never do these things.

And maybe you can even relate.

Here goes:

1. Dry lips
2. A runny nose
3. My dog
4. Good news
5. Itching
6. My hair
7. Pimples
8. Scabs
9. Being too moist
10. Good news
11. Bad news
12. Noise
13. Silence
14. Being hungry
15. Really good food
16. Being dehydrated
17. That person’s foot that is sitting across the table and keeps touching me
18. This dry donut
19. Superfluous sugar
20. The feeling of my healing taste buds from when I burned them on ginger tea two days ago
21. Lips that are dry just in the corners (even if they aren’t mine)
22. My leaky tub faucet
23. NETFLIX
24. Hulu
25. Popcorn Time
26. NETFLIX (2x)
27. Leggings
28. Sounds of happiness
29. Conversation
30. Mom jeans
31. New growth under my braids
32. FACEBOOK
33. TEXT MESSAGES
34. GLIDE
35. My phone in general
36. My phone case
37. The missing letter “C” on my keyboard
38. SINGING
39. Shrill laughing
40. Any laughing
41. Messiness
42. Excessive neatness
43. Wind
44. Sunshine
45. My inner ear
46. My nail polish
47. Like, all books.
48. Mirrors
49. Chairs that aren’t comfortable
50. Chairs that are too comfortable
51. Chairs long enough to me to lay on
52. Blankets
53. Dinner
54. The “L” train’s “Doors closing” announcement
55. The dork on my stoop playing the guitar outside for no one
56. Eye boogers
57. Red squiggly lines under words (it’s like Microsoft Word is screaming at me)
58. Yawning
59. The guy two tables over who keeps chatting up a woman he obviously has not chance with
60. My ear buds after 15 minutes
61. My headphones after 15 minutes
62. High heels
63. Tap shoes
64. Weird smells
65. Unwarranted jokes
66. Dirty laundry
67. The guy that just asked me to text him a picture of myself (boi BYE)
68. The fact that I cut my nails too low
69. Daydreaming
70. Confusion
71. Low battery alerts
72. Incorrect password alerts
73. Husky, sexy voices
74. Catchy songs (GOTDAMN CATCHY SONGS)
75. Remembering old jokes that are funny and not helpful
76. My inability to focus
77. That I’m not Shonda Rhimes yet
78. That I’m not J.K. Rowling yet
79. That Issa Rae isn’t my best friend..yet
80. Coughing
81. Mysteries
82. Ice cream because when I’m eating ice cream I can only think of ice cream
83. Invites to hang out
84. Radio silence
85. Sunset
86. Sudden weather changes
87. People cleaning around me
88. That dog outside that is barking that my dog has now joined in chorus
89. From anyone.
90. Cheering up
91. Using the bathroom
92. Stopping
93. That I can’t find any hair elastics
94. Mama
95. Daddy
96. Sister
97. Brother
98. Overthinking
99. Underestimating
100. Giving up.

May you never encounter any of these grievances in your lifetime, you, my best friends.

Write on.

Even if it is annoyedly (shut up red squiggly line. I know that’s not a word).